Crossroads

Originally posted in my inactive blog.

I want to share something that’s been clouding my mind recently. Excuse me for the disorganisations of this entry because I haven’t written anything in ages. I kind of missed it.

To begin with, I will share to you the paradigm I had growing up. I was pretty judgmental back then. I saw the world in black and white. Not grayscale, B&W. #000000 and #ffffff. I absolutely HATED it when people had no idea what they wanted to do in life. Probably because I had such a clear idea what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be cultural and creatively fulfilled. I want to travel. I want to be a nomad. I want to be able to support myself and be completely detached from any loud nonsense the world offers.

I had a badass dream. No, I have a badass dream.

But that’s not really the point.

So moving on, I loathed the way my sister behaved and how she had (or has) absolutely no idea what she wanted to do with her life. Post high school graduation, she still wasn’t sure what she wanted for her degree. Problem was, my parents were pretty adamant about their daughters having one. So she laid out some ground rules to my Dad: no state uni(versity), and she wanted product design.

Long story short, she applied to this elite private uni with a rather convenient commuting, but much less convenient tuition fees. And that wasn’t the end of the story. Product design is super expensive, considering that you have to come up with projects every semester and to execute them, you need to pay handymen and all those raw materials.

Woods, glass, acrylics. You do the math.

She’s wrapping up her studies, a couple semester too late, and guess what? She didn’t plan to use her degree. All that money. Mid-study, she decided that she didn’t have the chops for product design. Instead, she planned to pursue culinary. Now she bakes constantly.

And I got to be the one who gulp them down. No complaints. She got a couple of order and off to quite a good start.

You see, I’m a sucker for passionate people, but knowing my sister, I couldn’t be so sure. She wanted an expensive English course; she didn’t finish. She wanted a DSLR; she’s incompetent at using it. She wants things but is rarely consequent with her impulses.

I wonder why and how my parents put up with her shit.

So coming from that background, obviously I tried to take an alternative route. I became the ‘good’ child. The overachiever one. I hated how my sister acted so I opposed it. I’ve always known what I wanted.

At least until my late teen years is running out.

I am going through this transitional crisis when all the magic you believed runs out. I wondered how I was so optimistic back then. I dreamed of financial independence at 21, and look at me now, alright? Almost 20 and still living in my parents’ house. And everytime I’m here in my room, I can’t help but feeling impotent.

Is my dream still up there? Hell yeah. But it’s starting to frighten me. I’m starting to realize my own handicaps and truth be told, I hate the sound of it.

I hate how it makes me feel like my sister.

One of my handicap is my incessant boredom. I crave variations, I suffer from deep wanderlust, and I just can’t stay at one thing! It’s like having a limited attention span for everything and it scares me. You see, I KNOW deep down that media is my passion, but what if once I dive into it I got bored too? What if I can’t commit? As much as I love being free-spirited, this antagonizes what I wanted as a child … and it annoys and scares and agitates me to the level I myself can’t comprehend.

The other handicap is also my most beloved trait: my laziness. It used to make me such an effective and efficient worker, the one that keeps me up (it still is, actually, I can tell you that I got a perfect foundation year GPA because my laziness keeps me efficient), but now it’s starting to bring me doubts. Can I be passionate andlazy? What if it ultimately keeps me away from what I want? What if I have to choose? How can I choose between who I am and who I want to be?

I pray so hard that I don’t have to answer the question because honestly, I’m lost.

I guess I underestimated my capacity to grow. I wasn’t the same girl who wants to be a female Professor X and fathers Powerpuff Girls. I’m that girl who chose the language program and make brash choices just to get a thrill of improvising. No more sharp B&W, but blurry grayscale. I grew up.

So yes, I’m stuck at the crossroads. Now that I’m getting what I want (I have chosen digital cinematography which is something I have dreamt of since 6th grade, by the way), apparently the road looks scarier than what I’ve anticipated. Well, at least no more judgments for them lost people. We’re bros now.

Well I guess it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Update: 16/2/2015 Bumpy is okay, bumpy is fun.

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